Letter to America

5 minute read

My Dear American Friends,

…All 300-odd-million of you. I consider you all to be my friends, but especially the Hispanic guy in San Francisco who so patiently taught this stupid foreigner to properly pronounce ‘Relenos’. Muchos Gracias.

I have a question for all of you which has been much on my mind, lately.

Why do you keep electing senile old farts to the Presidency?

Surely Reagan would have given you the clue that it’s not such a good idea? I mean, I can sort of understand why you elected your current president – a psychopath suffering (if I’m any kind of judge) from fairly well-progressed senile dementia.

The bit I can sort-of understand is: “electing a psychopath”… don’t we all need a psychopath in our lives from time to time to remind as that life and love are precious, fragile and much to be treasured, and that the world is a dangerous place? But why someone who is demented? Someone who is neurophysically incompetent to operate a light switch without supervision.

That’s not an insult, by the way. It is meant as a strictly clinical description of a physical degeneration within the brain. (Not that I claim to be any sort of doctor, nor do I play one on the internet.) There’s no blame or shame that attaches to the term ‘demented’. It merely describes someone whose brain function has deteriorated to a point where they’re inclined to wear their underpants on the outside. Like Superman. Only, let’s face it, Superman has the physique where he can get away with it, unlike the rest of us. ‘Demented’ describes someone who should be protected from wielding the remote for the TV, let alone the remote for Weapons Of Actual Mass Destruction – not to be confused with fictional Weapons of Mass Distraction invented by the life-support team of That Other Unelected President who, while he wasn’t all that old, might well have also been demented. Or perhaps just terminally stupid.

Now that I write it down here, I spot the common thread. All those bozos were (are) Republican Presidents. When y’all get the chance to vote in spite of all those gerrymandered lines of shamelessly unscrupulous electoral districting and the arbitrary, illegal and blatantly dishonest voter disqualification programmes, and you manage to elect a Democrat, they seem to me to generally be younger and saner. They can string a coherent English sentence together without drooling,… sorry, drawling,… and they seem have a pretty good idea that nuclear weapons Don’t Work On The Weather. The last person I can recall who tried to order the weather around was that Roman Emperor – you know the one I mean. It didn’t work out so well.

Call me Mr Silly, if you will – I can only remember as far back as Nixon, and I was really too young to have any really analytical recollection of that fiasco – but every time your Great Nation (and these days I am forced to mean ‘great’ strictly as a description of size) elects some senile bozo as President, y’all end up being a laughingstock of the world, even down here in South Shithole (the one next door to Nambia and west of Covfefe) and we’ve done our own share of appointing senile shitheads as President, too, so we know what we’re talking about. For Gods’ Sake, just stop doing it!

I realise you’re up against a political party that will lie, cheat, steal, murder and rape its way into the White House – hey, whatever it takes: the American Way, right? – but I’m pretty sure you ought to be able to do something about keeping these drooling halfwits out of the Oval Office.

I’m not proposing anything as radically transformative as an actually free and fair voting system, just perhaps some limitation on how old a Presidential Candidate is allowed to be before they’re allowed to run for the office? And maybe requiring them to pass some sort of psychiatric checkup to make sure they’re not actually Medically Unfit for the job, not actually and certifiably batshit crazy? It can’t be that hard. I suppose you’ll get some pushback from the Party Now Owned By a Hostile Foreign Power, since I note that that party is completely controlled by senile, aging white guys in the thrall of a Certain Foreign Despot, and that makes it a bunfight. But you can do it! Y’all won the War. (Not the one in Southeast Asia. The other War.) You went to the Moon. (God knows why you want to go back there, though, particularly when it means taking all that very expensive, American taxpayer funded knowhow and giving it away for no discernable gain to foreign space wannabees who most certainly don’t have your best interests at heart.)

But, my dear friends, much as I love y’all, I fear that you’re not going to do anything about reining in the rogue politicians who make your nation such a laughingstock to the rest of the world, even though their economic choices are transforming your United States into a puling third-world misery-to-be at the behest of their KGB controllers. No.

You’re going to re-elect the current Demented Senile Psychopath. That’s my certain and unwavering prediction for 2020. I’ve even put a little money on it.

I fear that your Slightly Saner Party seems to be doing everything in its power to lose next year’s presidential race, and it looks, from down here in South Bumfuck, like they’re going to succeed, and you guys – my dear and beloved American friends: the electorate – are going to stick the rest of us with this senile shit-dribbler for another four years.

Only, you know what? He’s not going to make it through the whole term.

Not. Gonna. Happen.

If his heart doesn’t explode with self-righteous anger at Weather Phenomena that refuse to obey to his Imperial Decree,… if his Five Iron doesn’t wrap itself around his wattled neck in sheer self-preservation,… then I predict that his dementia advances (a lot quicker than you’re anticipating!) to the point where even his Secret Service handlers can’t prevent him from wearing his underpants on the outside (probably while on a visit to the newly crowned King of East Kent and Sussex) – the point where his rationality-free loopiness is so obvious to all that his Party will have no choice but to remove him from office, long, long before his term is up. Probably quite soon after his re-election, in fact, just as soon as his bile and poison have served the purpose of getting the Treason Party back into the White House and he’s outlived his usefulness to them.

So: while I accept that y’all have this inexplicable infatuation with having demented, senile psychopaths for President, and consequently I accept that you’re going to re-elect President Dipshit, please just do us all one small favour: Please, please, please… elect a decent Vice President, and not some born-again, Armageddon-craving, right-wing nut-job or yet another in the tedious parade of old and brain-damaged white guys.