As Cold As A Witches Tit

It’s cold out, today. And rainy. And howling winds. I have donned double legs and warm belly-binder, and still the cold is getting to parts I’d prefer it not to. It’s colder than a witches tit.

I am immediately led to ask: Why should witches breasts be colder than anyone else’s?

I can only think that the reason witches have colder breasts than other women is all that dancing about naked beneath the light of the moon.

Why is it that this dancing about in the nude is traditionally considered a lust-inducing image when, at the same time, most witches are much older women, frequently built like the proverbial brick outhouse and with tits down to their knees? Frankly I can’t see Granny Fay prancing about beneath a full moon — probably obscured by the selfsame clouds bringing this pissing rain and cold-front colder than the aforementioned mammaries. No. She’d be well tucked up with blankets in front of a fire with a hot toddy in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

This category of warped mind, prone to perpetuating delusional rumours regarding average bosom temperatures of rural medical practitioners, is the same sort of idiocy that would be dimwitted enough to actually build a brick outhouse in the first place. I’ll remind you, dear reader, that an outhouse is, by its very nature, a building that has to be relocated every few years when the hole fills up. Not the sort of structure you’d want to construct from brick.

And who measured the temperatures of said breasts, anyway? And how?

It might be feasible without breaking various ethical and legal boundaries if you used one of those contactless infra-red thermometer gun thingies, I suppose, but such high-tech seems scarcely compatible with a rural economy reliant on herbal suppositories and beeswax for primary healthcare. And did the alleged breast-temperature researcher — no doubt some poor PhD candidate desperate for a suitably ground-breaking project — did they get temperature readings from a statistically significant number of witches? Are they controlling properly for variables in diet, regional dress, month of the year and time of night? Witches tits are presumably likely to be colder in Winter than Summer, and you’ll not get to measure all of them at precisely midnight which is the exact time that the witches require for their own ends, after all.

Then there’s the not-insignificant challenge of measuring a sufficiently large population of witches. After all, witches mostly gather only in threes and are, by reputation, strongly crowd averse — a form of natural selection consequent to all the dunkings in rivers at the hands of religious fundamentalists. So your young researcher would probably have to hunt down quite a lot of those secret covens and convince them that no ducking-stools will be involved before potentially being allowed to attend the moonlight rituals of which we’re already sceptical, and then… And then they have to get the whole thing passed by their faculty Ethics Committee. At a minimum I’d suppose they’d require all the to witches sign some sort of consent-form, along with confidentiality agreements and whatnot, all in an economy where basic literacy is skill that ought not be taken for granted.

Who is funding this research, anyway? I mean, there’s travel out to remote rural areas, meals, accommodation and whatnot… the money for all that doesn’t just fall out of a tree, you know. And as for getting some academic journal to publish the resulting paper… well, it just doesn’t bear thinking about.

So perhaps today is not quite as cold as an average witches tit after all. I’ll just get another blanket for my knees, shall I?